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Old 11th May 2005, 02:27 AM
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Guts Guts is offline
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Melbourne, AU
Posts: 920
Guts is on a distinguished road
Talking Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

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